The theory of only having to run faster than your friend only works sometimes.


hapter Two

rime and Punishment

For the longest time Gord used to price crap N64 game cartridges with high prices and leave them on the shelves for people to try and steal.  Madden 64--$50.  Wayne Gretzky '98--$45, etc.  Usually it was just one game at a time.

So buddy comes in and steals Automobilee Lamborghini.  Rather than run for it, he walks around before finally leaving.  So once he steps outside Gord hops over the counter and step outside.

"Hey! YOU!"

And boom!  The one punk bolts.  But to make sure Gord has the right person, Gord grabs the one just standing there.  His scream like that of a little girl  pretty much cleared any doubt that the runner had the crap game.

With strides being nearly a foot longer than the runner, Gord was able to catch up in a block.  The thief tosses the game behind a dumpster and begins screaming "I don't have the…"

<BOOM!>  Football tackle action!

Gord gets pissed when someone makes him run.


Gord begins to throw the punk around.  Into the side of the garbage bin, into the fence, into the cement wall, into the side a commercial van, back into the cement wall.  And damn hard.  This thief was in pain.

One hand goes up on thief's neck, and the other goes for his glasses to make sure he doesn't try to run.

At this point the thief begins screaming like a little girl.  He was pinned against a wall by his neck and his glasses were just removed, so perhaps he assumed Gord was going smack his head around.

Instead Gord tossed him into a choking headlock and dragged him back to the store.  He was saying something about how he couldn't breathe, but no one understood a word he was saying.  Gord even stopped and asked him to speak up.

Back at the store Gord locked the front door, and headed to the counter.  At this point the punk was being bent over backwards in some painful hold. 

"I'm going to phone the police now.  I'll let you go as long as you sit down and don't move, alright?"


Surprising no one, as soon as Gord let him go he made a break for the door…  Shame no one told him the door was locked and made of glass that was one step down from bulletproof glass.


Ass over tea kettle.  KO'd in one hit.  So Gord phoned the police and afterwards, he went and picked the thief up and gently slapped him around to wake him up.  (he was groggy at this point, but fear brought him around pretty quick).

At this point he decided to he was going to kick his way to freedom.  So back to the football thing, and Gord ran him into the wall as he carried the thief in front of him.  If you look closely you can still see the imprint in the wall.

That pretty much finished him off. 

After this, a customer came in after this who knew the thief. 

"Dave… please… help me….<sob>…"

"Uhm… I don't know you…  Gord, do you have any copies of Tekken 3 in?"

"Ya, right at the end there.  And one copy just came back, it's sitting on the counter.  You can just take that one."

"Ok.  Take care.  I'll leave the money on the counter."

All while Gord has this punk pinned to the wall.

The police showed up after that and he was taken away.  During his take away he was screaming something about how Gord beat him and such, but no one could remember anything like that.  We seem to have recalled asking him to sit in a chair for trying to steal a game, and that is what he did.  Honest.  No marks on the face...

In the end he plead guilty to shoplifting and was sentenced to 40 hours community service or something.